TDU Chapter 385
Chapter 385 Guiding Light
I stared at the cockroach in my hand for a long while, then suddenly, a smile tugged at my lips.
All my life, I had been thinking of others, upholding fairness as my creed, pursuing it without end. But who in this world had ever truly thought for me?
I held the scales of justice within my heart, facing the whole world, only to have them constantly shaken and tipped by others.
Whenever people introduced me, they would say I was a well-known {female} lawyer in Chengdu. I always loathed that title.
What I wanted was equality, not preferential treatment.
I was a lawyer—whether well-known or not—why must the emphasis fall on {female}? I only wished to stand as any other lawyer, judged by my work, not my gender.
But now…
None of that mattered anymore.
At this moment, all I want is some water, along with a bite of something sweet and something savory.
My gums bleed endlessly, beyond my ability to stop it.
It feels like I’m about to die…
I wonder…has a life ever ended in this place?
Why are there so many scratch marks on the walls?
They weren’t carved by me, yet they remain, so stark and deliberate. Could it be another had once endured this place?
…
The next night, Butcher Ma appeared again.
This time, perhaps unable to bear the stench clinging to my body, he dragged in a water hose.
He opened the door and, without saying a thing, immediately sprayed water onto me, capturing the whole scene on his phone.
Yes… a pig, that’s what I am.
Butchers using water hoses to wash pigs down just like this.
As I am now, stripped of all honor and self, I am nothing more than a pig bound for the knife.
Couldn’t he just kill me?
He sprayed me for at least ten minutes. Most of the grime and mud caked on my body was finally washed away.
While I seem no different from a pig, I still felt a shade better than before. At the very least, I was clean again.
As a human being… shouldn’t one at least be allowed the dignity of cleanliness?
I lay prone, powerless, awaiting Butcher Ma’s {indulgence}.
What a farce this life has become. My existence was no different from the pigs in his pen.
No… to be precise, keeping me alive cost less than raising a pig.
Three yuan a day was all it took to sustain me. A pig, however, wasn’t so cheap. A pig had to be fattened, kept plump and white, in order to fetch a good price.
But me? I required nothing at all.
As long as I still drew breath—as long as I remained a living woman—I was still of use to him.
When Butcher Ma pressed down on me, grunting, I summoned all my strength to speak, “I’ll agree to anything… please let me go…”
"Let ya go? That’s impossible..." he panted, his breath hot against me. "Least I gotta keep ya locked up a few years... ’til the cops quit lookin’ for ya, then maybe..."
A few years…? Did I mishear?
There are three hundred and sixty-five days in a year. I’ve only been here twenty days, and I already feel like I’m dying.
And I’m supposed to endure this for years?
“I’ll die…” My tears had long since run dry; only my choking voice remained. “If you leave me here… I’ll die… You said you wanted me as your woman—what if I die first…?”
“You’re already my woman!!” he barked, his voice rough and forceful. "If ya die, then so be it. But ‘fore ya do, you’re givin’ laozi a young’un. Bear me a boy, then you can go on an’ die."
The life I live now… is exactly as I pictured it as a child.
“I promise… I promise I’ll bear your child…” I wailed, “just… let me out…”
"Quit dreamin’! Once ya done given me a young’un, then I’ll take ya out!"
Watching him carry on with his vile act, a wave of despair engulfed me.
He truly meant to see me dead.
Slowly, I slipped my arms around his neck, forced my mouth wide open, and when he lost himself in lust, I sank my teeth into the artery of his throat.
I wanted to kill him.
But I had overestimated myself—I had no strength left.
All I managed was to hurt him, leaving a deep bite mark. My teeth felt loose, yet his throat remained unbroken.
Butcher Ma let out a howl as well, then stood and began raining blows and kicks down upon me.
I could feel clearly—his feet kept striking my abdomen, and I could do nothing to defend myself.
In such a defenseless state, my organs and bones would not escape harm.
They would hasten my death.
By the next day, I couldn’t even crawl. All I could do was drag myself with difficulty across the floor.
Blood kept spilling from my mouth with each cough.
Yesterday, Butcher Ma had doused the ground with water, but there was no drain here.
Excrement, filth, and muck mingled in the stagnant water, soaking the moldy straw. In the sweltering heat of July, it reeked with a stench that could drive one mad.
And me?
I could not stand. I was ‘swimming’ in that sewage.
Filth clung to me on all sides.
I was nothing but a pig wallowing in a cesspit.
In the foul water, I groped about, searching for my day’s ration of water and food.
“Laidi, if you ever make it to the city someday, the very first thing you should do is go to the local police station and change your name.”
A voice rang softly by my ear—that was my guiding light, my teacher. Her name was unlike that of any other girl in the village. She was not called Laidi, Zhaodi, Pandi, nor was she Erni or Sanni. Her name was Ning Wan’er.
(TLN: More son-prefrence names: Zhaodi (招娣) - awaiting younger brother. Pandi (盼娣) - hoping for younger brother. Erni (二妮) - gal two. Sanni (三妮) - gal three. While the teacher’s name was Ning Wan’er (宁婉儿), which roughly means ‘child of grace and peace’.)
That year, she and I stood together at the village’s edge, before the lake, watching the sunrise.
“Why?” I asked.
“Though you are gifted, this name will bring you much trouble,” she sighed. “I want you to live a better life, not spend your whole existence trapped here. You are able to choose your own path.”
At the time, I could not grasp her meaning. Born beneath others, could I truly be allowed to choose my own life?
“But… what name should I take?”
“Whichever you like,” she coughed and continued. “A name is meant to bless your own life, not someone else’s. I hope you can be like this lake at daybreak: when given a spark of warmth, you shine with radiant sunlight, and though your depths may be cold and dark, you respond to the world with gentle ripples of tenderness.”
(TLN: Lawyer Zhang’s name (晨泽; Chenze) means ‘water/luster at daybreak’ ಥ‿ಥ)
Back then, I understood none of her words. All I could see was how frail and wan she had become.
Lake at daybreak?
Looking back now, she must have already been ill.
Was she all right? Did she ever recover?
Did she live on in good health until today?
As a child, it never once occurred to me to ask for my teacher’s contact. Because of that, all these years have passed, and I’ve never been able to find her.
“Laidi, I once heard a tale,” my teacher gazed at the lake and smiled at me serenely. “Everything in this world, once it dies, will continue to live on in another form.”
“What does that mean?”
“If one day I should die, then perhaps I will become a blade of grass, a tree, a bird in flight, or even a little insect in the grass.”
Her words felt profound, yet to me, they were curiously delightful.
So then… did that mean no one in this world would ever truly die?
If they die, they will turn into something else, living on in another form forever in this world.
That sounded, somehow, fair.
“I hope Teacher never dies,” I told her.
“Why is that?”
“Because no one else in this world has ever been so kind to me.” I met her gaze and felt a wave of impending tears in her eyes. “Teacher, even if you were to become a bird, a little insect, or even just a stone, I still wouldn’t want you to die.”
“Duly noted.” She smiled.
Teacher Ning said she would be leaving in three days, but the very next day, she was already gone. Surely, something urgent must have come up, and she had gone back to the city ahead of time.
TL Note: I hate to think the worst of things, but knowing the villagers, I wouldn’t be surprised…
