My Deskmate Chapter 67
Translated by Q the Panda (ko-fi)
Chapter 67
The college entrance exam this year happened to fall on a weekend. When they returned to school on Monday, the campus felt unusually empty.
Zhao Yiyang sat down with his stainless steel tray, poking at the rice with his chopsticks. He was feeling a little out of sorts. "It’s so quiet and melancholic. Without those third year seniors scrambling for food like a bunch of beasts, I'm actually feeling a bit lonely!"
Shangguan Yu, who was busy taking notes on the new dishes, responded without looking up, "Just wait until you get through the summer break. You’ll be one of those third year seniors fighting for food and everything else."
Zhao Yiyang suddenly felt an overwhelming pressure. He almost dunked his head into the rice, like an ostrich trying to escape reality.
Xu Rui, speaking in a somewhat world-weary tone, added, "In the end, we’ll all just become legends." He realized the conversation had become too heavy, so he quickly changed the subject. "By the way, isn't that old tomb going to be turned into an exhibition hall? The bidding results came out a few days ago. Apparently, a company called ‘Jianke’ won the contract. Now that the college entrance exam is over and high school is about to end, they'll probably start construction during the vacation."
Wen Xiao, who had been quietly eating, vaguely remembered that the company Chi Ye was now working with was called Jianke.
In the afternoon, the class monitor returned from the office, carrying a stack of "Summer School Intention Forms." Every student in the second year had one, and it needed to be signed by a parent. The form offered two choices: one was to agree to summer classes, and the other was to decline. But everyone knew the "decline" option was just for show.
That evening, Wen Xiao handed the form to his grandmother. "It’s from school. It needs a parent’s signature."
His grandmother, putting on her reading glasses, carefully examined the form. "Summer classes... A whole month? That’s quite a long time. Does that mean your summer vacation will only last about twenty days?"
Wen Xiao nodded. "I heard from Zhao Yiyang and the others that the affiliated high school has always done this. They had summer classes in the first year too, which is why their course progress is so fast."
His grandmother picked up her familiar dark green fountain pen and signed "Agree" in the "Parent’s Opinion" section, then wrote her name, "Lu Dongqing," in bold, graceful characters, each stroke full of character.
Seeing the stack of papers on the table beside her, Wen Xiao casually asked, "Are you busy lately?"
His grandmother instinctively shifted the papers to the side. "Not too busy, just some trivial matters to take care of."
Noticing the subtle gesture, Wen Xiao remembered the few file folders he had found at home a couple of days ago. They were all from Qingzhou University, addressed to "Professor Lu Dongqing." Since his grandmother wasn’t willing to discuss it, Wen Xiao didn’t press further.
Just past eleven, Zhao Yiyang called on video. "Damn, Wen Xiao, Xiao-ge! Help! The second-to-last question on the physics test today, part two, I think I got it right, but it seems wrong, I’m about to go bald, help me out with the answer!"
"I didn’t bring the test paper home." Wen Xiao picked up a pen and twirled it between his fingers, thinking for a moment. "Is it the one about the magnetic field? The time it takes for the electron to travel from the N plate to the fluorescent screen at t=0?"
"Damn..." Zhao Yiyang took several seconds to regain his composure. "What the hell? You didn’t bring the test home, but you remember it so clearly?" He muttered to himself, reassuring, "I’m overreacting, this is just normal for a big shot like you!"
After spending ten minutes explaining the problem, Wen Xiao could hear the sound of Zhao Yiyang writing, his pen scratching across the paper. Once he was done, Zhao Yiyang relaxed and started chatting. "I told my mom about the summer classes. She was so happy she wanted to send the school a box of flags as a token of gratitude for taking me in for an extra month, so I wouldn’t be bothering her at home. Pfft, as if she’s ever home enough to be bothered. Hey, Wen Xiao, what’s on your left? You keep looking that way, like five or six times in the past ten minutes."
Wen Xiao’s pale lips tightened slightly. The pen he had been spinning in his fingers landed on the page with a swift movement. He lowered his gaze to the problem, suppressing all emotion. "There’s nothing on the left. It’s just the bedroom window."
"I see," Zhao Yiyang’s voice kept going in the video. "Heh, I wonder if Chi-ge will show up for the extra classes."
Hearing the name Chi-ge, Wen Xiao’s grip tightened slightly, and the faint sound of paper tearing followed as the final stroke of the letter "A" sliced through the page.
"What the hell, how is it already midnight?" Zhao Yiyang exclaimed. "I’m doomed, I haven’t even started my math homework! Will I be able to sleep tonight?"
Wen Xiao said goodbye and ended the call.
Chi Ye...
Wen Xiao slowly relaxed his stiff back, allowing himself to lean inch by inch against the hard chair, his gaze rising to the ceiling.
Chi Ye.
The name, when savored, left a sweet taste on the tip of his tongue, then turned sour, with a hint of bitterness.
He inhaled deeply, his chest rising and falling, contracting to the limit. In the quiet room, the sound of his exhale echoed. Wen Xiao curled his long legs up, resting his chin on his knee, and curled into the chair, his eyes unfocused.
How long had it been since he met him? He transferred to Mingnan Affiliated High School on February 24th, and today was June 9th. Fifteen weeks, one hundred and seven days.
A short time, yet it felt as if it had lasted a lifetime.
These days, every one of them was in color, like sunlight refracted through a prism.
His eyelashes trembled ever so slightly.
He curled up in the chair, hugging his knees. He had been sitting like that for quite some time until the tranquility was broken by the sound of his phone ringing.
Wen Xiao reached for the phone lying on the desk. The number on the screen was one he had long since memorized.
"Hello."
From Chi Ye’s side, the sound of a door closing came through. By the noise, it seemed he had just entered his home and switched to slippers. To avoid waking Yaya, he lowered his voice until he entered the bedroom, then returned to his normal tone. "Aren’t you going to ask why I’m home so early today?"
Wen Xiao then asked, "Why are you home so early today?"
"I’ve almost finished everything I had to do. The process is in the final stages, and everything is laid out, just filling in the gaps where needed. There’s not much left to pay attention to, so I wrapped up early today and could come back sooner. Uncle Zhang took on a new project, and I’m going to see if I can supply the building hardware for it. But if it goes through, I’ll probably have more work on my hands."
"Mmm. Are you tired?"
"Not really," Chi Ye’s voice still carried a smile. "I can handle it."
"What time do you leave tomorrow?"
"Five o'clock. I’ll be back by seven, after dropping Yaya off at school. Oh, and I still have to check her homework and test her on her lessons."
Wen Xiao stared at the shadow of himself on the wooden floor. "The intention forms for the summer classes came out today."
There was a long silence before Chi Ye responded, "How long is it? A month?"
"Yes."
Chi Ye tried to sound casual. "Zhao Yiyang and the others must be complaining again, huh? They’re probably grumbling about how long the summer classes are while they’re busy cramming for exams."
"Yes."
Chi Ye seemed to want to say something more, but after opening his mouth, only a short, sharp sound escaped.
Silence fell again.
Wen Xiao felt a sharp, dry pain in his throat. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, his emotions surging to the point where he almost lost control.
"After the college entrance exams, several floors were completely empty. The cafeteria was a lot quieter. A few days before the exams, many seniors threw their textbooks and papers out of the windows. Some people in the second academic building imitated them, but Cheng Xiaoning caught them and made them run ten laps around the field. A few days ago, on Children’s Day, someone suggested celebrating, saying we’re still not adults, so we deserve a celebration. Old Xu shut it down. The welfare officer bought a bunch of cotton candy last Monday, two pieces for each person, saying that was close enough to a celebration. Old Xu got some too, but only one piece, because he’s already too old."
"Wen Xiao—"
"Cheng Xiaoning still stands at the school gate every day checking uniforms and punctuality. Old Xu brought his erhu to the office and wipes it down a few times a day. The whole office of teachers even did aerobics together. Someone saw it, then realized our physics teacher was leading the group." Wen Xiao’s voice grew hoarser, and toward the end, his tone became tight. "You once said that your favorite thing was attending classes at school. So I wrote down these things to tell you."
"Wen Xiao." Chi Ye’s voice came through the receiver, tinged with a faint static noise, neither of them knowing who sounded more hoarse.
He tried to change the subject, wanting to say that the cafeteria was less crowded without the seniors, how unlucky the person was who got punished by Cheng Xiaoning, how unreasonable Old Xu was for not allowing a celebration, and how the welfare officer's reason for giving cotton candy was strangely heartbreaking.
But he figured that someone must have already discussed these things with Wen Xiao. While they were new to him, they were probably old news to Wen Xiao.
It was as if their lives were two separate paths, heading in opposite directions, racing away from each other, constantly diverging.
Out of sync, no longer fitting together.
"Chi Ye." Wen Xiao pronounced his name clearly, asking, "If you didn’t go to school, if you took the college entrance exam for a second-tier university, would you be able to get in?"
"I could."
Wen Xiao: "What about a top-tier university, a 985 or a 211? Could you get in?"
"I could."
Wen Xiao closed his eyes. "What about the one you wanted to get into, could you get in?"
A breath came through the receiver, accompanied by static. After what felt like an eternity, Chi Ye’s hoarse voice finally answered, "I can’t get into that school. I won’t make it."
It wasn't until he heard something dripping onto the floor that Wen Xiao realized he was crying. He bit his lower lip tightly, not making a sound or revealing any sign of his emotions.
He watched helplessly as Chi Ye’s life reached its breaking point.
Their relationship, too, was on the edge of collapse.
Was there a way out? No, there wasn’t.
The cruelty of life often had no cause, yet it could tighten its grip with every step, crushing them layer by layer, leaving them gasping for breath, struggling and helpless.
The only thing left to do was gamble with their lives.
The taste of blood, rusty and bitter, lingered on his tongue. Wen Xiao, sluggish, realized his lower lip had started bleeding. He stepped barefoot onto the floor, walked to the window, and stared at the window across the way that belonged to Chi Ye. In his dark eyes, it was as though a spark had been lit.
He repeated the question he had asked earlier: "Are you tired these days?"
After a few seconds, as though realizing something, Chi Ye’s voice came through, heavy and weighted, like it carried the burden of the world. "I’m tired. So tired that every night when I lie in bed, I wonder if I’ll just die in my sleep and never wake up. But how could I die? Even if I really died, I’d crawl out of hell and keep fighting.
"That day, when I watched my mom being resuscitated, I couldn’t stop thinking — why is this so hard, so painful? Why not just die together as a family? It would be clean, easy, wouldn’t it?"
His words trailed off. Chi Ye let out a bitter laugh. "But I don’t have that right. I don’t have the right. My mom is fighting to survive on that hospital bed. She never once gave up. Yaya is only six. She hasn’t seen any of the beauty the world has to offer. All I can do is keep... struggling, doing everything I can to help them. I don’t see any other way. Wen Xiao, I can’t find..."
His voice was so low it was almost inaudible. "I used to think I was strong, but now... I realize I’m not invincible."
Wen Xiao listened carefully, each word sinking in.
He pressed his fingers into his teeth, biting down until the skin covering his knuckles split, and the crimson blood began to trickle down his pale hand, forming a red line. Only then did he manage to stifle all his sobs, burying them without a trace.
He saw someone standing by the window across from him. The warm light faded into the background, and even though it was just a blurry silhouette, he could trace every contour of that figure with his mind.
He thought to himself, in the years to come, he would never love anyone this much again.
If this relationship becomes a heavy shackle that drags you into the mud, even if my hands are full of wounds and blood, I must grit my teeth and take out the key to open it for you.
Perhaps I’ve always known how this would end, which is why I never said "I love you" aloud.
But now, I regret it. All those days and nights that passed, why didn’t I say it more often? Why didn’t I tell you I loved you, just a few more times?
Wen Xiao pulled his fingers from his teeth, the taste of blood sharp on his tongue. His emotions, much like the night of his first kiss, were a jumbled mess. "Chi Ye, let's—" His throat choked up. Suddenly, he realized that in those forty-one days, they had never said they were together. So what reason did he have to say the words "break up"?
"Let’s... let's just leave it like this."