TDU Chapter 380
Chapter 380 Home vs. Home
He said he was waiting for my reply.
But what answer could I give him?
I wanted so badly to say yes.
I wanted so badly to come home each day to someone I loved, to greet them with a gentle, {You’ve worked hard today}.
I wanted us, on our days off, to make dinner with whatever is left in the fridge together then eat it all up, smiling and frowning at the same time.
I wanted, when I was exhausted, to have someone who would listen when I said, {I’m so tired}, so I could lean on his shoulder and cry quietly for a while.
But… was that kind of life something I deserved?
This morning, while preparing breakfast, a slice of buttered bread slipped from my hand. Before it could stain the carpet, I bent swiftly and caught it midair.
I managed to catch it gracefully, as if I were some martial arts master.
But when I lifted my head… the room was still utterly empty.
I wished so much for someone to be there watching me, so I could smile and ask, {Wasn’t I amazing?}.
And he would smile back, teasing me, saying he’d never seen a lawyer with reflexes so quick.
Then we would happily start the day together, or perhaps start every day as such.
I wanted so badly to say yes to him.
But thinking like that was selfish of me. It wouldn’t be fair to him.
I am, as I said, a woman marred by countless scars. A wretched childhood forged my stubbornness and solitude. A chaotic family of origin has kept me mired in anxiety and sorrow every single day. I cannot bring all this into a relationship.
It wouldn’t be fair to my other half.
Xiao Sun is a native of Chengdu. His parents are both engaged in the arts, courteous and refined; I met them only once, yet the impression they left was profound. His family was much like mine, {blessed with both son and daughter}. Xiao Sun had a younger sister.
Their parents, even after their firstborn was a son, still chose to bring a daughter into the world. To me, that was almost unimaginable.
And I’ve met that young lady too. From childhood, she’s been showered with love from her parents and her brother. That kind of radiant confidence spills out of her effortlessly, and carries her through everything with ease.
But me?
I’m a monster.
“I can’t.” My voice was low, and as the words left my mouth, it felt as if an invisible blade had sliced through me.
“Wh–Why?” Xiao Sun’s tone grew anxious. “Zhang jie, was… was I being too abrupt? If you need time to think about it, I can wait—”
“We’re both adults. Let’s not play those childish games. This kind of matter doesn’t need time to consider.” I shook my head. “A no is a no. I’m sorry.”
Seeing the disappointment on his face, I felt that invisible blade cut through me again.
It hurt.
“O–Okay…” Xiao Sun nodded, looking crestfallen. “Zhang jie, you don’t need to apologize. I’m the one who should be sorry… really, I’m so sorry—”
“Not at all.” I smiled at him. “Having the courage to speak your heart is a good thing. Xiao Sun, you’re a very outstanding person. I’m refusing because of my own issues, so I hope you won’t feel too sad.”
“…Mm.” He nodded, but in his eyes, I could see the sorrow running deep.
After attending Mengmeng’s wedding, I gave her a two-week leave. Although she wanted to come back to work, a honeymoon only happens once in a lifetime. I preferred she take paid leave rather than waste such precious time on work.
A week passed quickly. Xiao Sun and I handled a commercial dispute case, but due to insufficient evidence from both sides, no verdict was reached, and a second trial would soon take place.
“Xiao Sun, keep an eye on things for the next two days,” I said. “I need to go to my hometown for a bit.”
“Hometown?” He raised an eyebrow. “Every time you get a call from your hometown, you seem upset. Did something bad happen?”
“No, it’s a good thing,” I smiled. “My younger brother is getting married.”
“Brother…?” Xiao Sun was clearly surprised. “Zhang jie, you have a younger brother?”
“Yes.”
“You really can hold your tongue. I never once heard you say you had a younger brother.”
“Not mentioning him doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist.” I let out a long breath. “I haven’t been back in many years. This time will be the last. No matter what, I have to show up.”
“The last time…?” Xiao Sun looked puzzled. “You’ll be meeting your younger brother for the last time?”
“Correct.” I felt a small sense of happiness. “Anyway, I’ll be back soon—one day at the earliest, two days at the latest. I’ll leave the firm matters in your hands for these two days.”
“Don’t worry, Zhang jie, you can count on me,” Xiao Sun nodded. “Then, would you like me to drop you off? Will you be taking your car?”
“No,” I replied. “No need to make it so conspicuous. I’ll be taking the bus.”
“All right, then make sure you stay safe, and send me a message when you arrive.”
“No problem.” I nodded, then added, “If any personal matters come up, you are free to prioritize that. Apart from that commercial dispute, there shouldn’t be any other cases recently.”
“Everything I know and love is in Chengdu!” Xiao Sun laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll definitely stay on top of things.”
Seeing him like this made me happy. He hadn’t distanced himself from me just because I had rejected him.
I was content with just being able to work alongside familiar people.
He will surely find a better partner, but that person can never be me.
How deeply I yearned to break free from that mountain village forever.
When I was twenty-three, I had unilaterally cut off all contact with my family. I changed my address, my phone number, and found a new job. I thought I could start a new chapter of life, but they reported me to the police.
They claimed they were worried their daughter had been deceived in the city and asked the police to find me. And, of course, their performance was so convincing that the police believed them, believing that I was a girl dazzled by the glitter of city life.
Yes, parents worried about a missing daughter… such a perfectly normal reason, isn’t it?
My address, company, and phone number—they had gotten all of it. The next day, they stormed into my office like a hurricane. They cried, they shouted, painting me as an ungrateful, disloyal, and unfilial daughter. In front of all my colleagues, they spun their lies. I, just at the peak of my career, had my reputation ruined in a single day, forced to leave that once-promising company without a word to defend myself.
But who could hear my side? At the time, my monthly salary was 2,200 yuan, of which 1,800 went to them. A family of three relied entirely on me.
If I vanished, they would call the police. The officers, educated and well-meaning, were willing to believe in {blood is thicker than water}, that {resentment between mother and daughter never lasts overnight}, that a {biological mother wouldn’t harm her own child}. I understood them.
But they could hardly understand me, they had never lived my life.
That incident taught me one thing clearly: this blood tie could never be severed. If I dared to skip Chengcai’s wedding, another charge would be added against me, and all the achievements I had painstakingly built could be at risk.
I bought a long-distance bus ticket and dressed in plain clothes for the trip.
I couldn’t let the villagers know how well I was doing in Chengdu; otherwise, they would become a bottomless pit hovering over my life, sucking all the blood from me.
A bus, ordinary clothes, and just the right amount of light makeup, enough for this trip.
I am nothing more than ordinary. I lack the spare funds to aid them, nor do I have the means to secure jobs in the city for those who do not strive. I am simply myself, an ordinary person.
The bus wound through the mountains for over two hours before finally dropping me ten kilometers from the village.
Next, I needed to hitch a ride from an unlicensed motor vehicle and then an auto rickshaw.
I had left in the morning and only reached the village by evening.
The village was indeed preparing for the wedding. Tables lined the roads, red papers adorned the utility poles, the ceremony was set to begin tomorrow.
“Laidi?!” A middle-aged woman suddenly recognized me.
“Yes.” I nodded at her. “I’m back.”
“Tch…” She pursed her lips with a hint of disdain, then forced out a crooked smile. "How many years it been now? City life really that dang good?"
“Not really,” I shook my head. “But Chengcai is getting married. As his older sister, I have to come back.”
“That so?” Her smile was half-hearted, half-mocking, but she nodded. “Then hurry home.”
I nodded in return, took a deep breath, and started walking toward {home}.
Since the first day of high school, I had never lived at home.
During school, I stayed on campus; on weekends and during summer and winter breaks, I worked elsewhere. This place felt foreign to me.
The villagers’ presence only amplified my anxiety, they were like the world’s best informants. Every word spoken at home would spread across the entire village by the next day.
Especially about me.
A stubborn woman who refused to earn tuition for her younger brother, yet insisted on pursuing her own schooling.
A gullible woman who was bewitched by the city’s {debauched and corrupt environment}, unwilling to go home even for a visit.
A miserable woman in her thirties, unmarried, with no one willing to take her in.
A stingy woman who, when her brother got married, refused to give a dowry or pay for a house deposit.
A failure of a woman who had struggled for over a decade yet still had not {to return in glory}.
This was how the villagers saw me: I was the village’s infamous joke. My existence was a long-standing topic, forever the talk of every household.
TL Note: Rant goes here ( •̯́ ₃ •̯̀)
