Evening Stars Chapter 19
TW: The first two passages of this chapter contain a description of suicidal ideation.
Translated by Q the Panda (ko-fi)
Chapter 19
Xu Nanheng truly thanked his motherland for its vast territory. The Tibetan old man over three thousand kilometers away couldn't understand Mandarin. Otherwise, Xu Nanheng might very well have unbuckled his belt and hung himself from the beam in the cowshed right now.
“I'm truly…… so sorry.” Xu Nanheng mumbled, his eyes glazed over. His desire to die had already summoned five hundred million-ton storm clouds, and the rain they'd soon drop could flood the Himalayas.
The nurse beside Fang Shiyou covered her mouth, suppressing a laugh. Fang Shiyou simply chuckled faintly, hands tucked into the pockets of his white coat. “It's fine, he doesn't understand.”
“……Ah.” Xu Nanheng nodded mechanically.
“Alright, we'll head off first,” Fang Shiyou said. “Time for the next house.”
Xu Nanheng nodded. “Mm.”
Then Fang Shiyou called toward the back of the cowshed, “Zhou Yang!”
A teenager from the back answered loudly and energetically, then nimbly leapt over a large bundle of hay. Fang Shiyou patted his back. “Could you do me a favor and carry Choedon's grandfather home? Thanks.”
“Oh, Dr. Fang, you're too polite!” Zhou Yang said with a cheerful smile.
Xu Nanheng noticed that this kid was truly full of energy when not in class, his eyes shining brightly like his desk lamp.
Thinking of the desk lamp, Xu Nanheng glanced at Fang Shiyou again.
Fang Shiyou waved at him. “We're going now. Keep up the good work.”
“All right.” Xu Nanheng steadied himself on the shovel.
Teacher Budon explained that doctors aiding Tibet made regular visits to villagers within the hospital's service area, especially those who had received treatment, to check on their recovery.
Xu Nanheng recalled his conversation with Fang Shiyou the night he brought him fruits.
In remote areas, education, much like healthcare, required gradual effort, slowly changing people's mindset through practical action. He thought of Teacher Dawa's father. Even leaning on a wooden stick, the old man insisted on coming out to check the barley fertilizer and supplies. The old man certainly knew he needed rest, just as the students knew that passing the exams was their ticket out to a better future.
But just like Dasang Choedon, whose parents were working away from home, how could she feel at ease if she were to study somewhere distant?
Xu Nanheng truly understood the meaning of ‘the burden is heavy and the road is long.’
(T/N: the idiom means a long and arduous responsibility lies ahead)
The entire Saturday, from morning till night, was spent cleaning the cowshed, carrying fertilizer to the fields, and then heading back to the village to lay down extra tarps on the roofs because of the heavy rain forecasted.
By the end of the day, Xu Nanheng ate two and a half bowls of rice at school. He finally understood why students here could eat two or three bowls at a meal.
He really didn't want to wash with a basin today. After dinner, he sent Fang Shiyou a message, saying he wanted to take a shower at the hospital. Fang Shiyou was busy sewing up a large gash in the thigh of a tunnel worker who had been cut by a steel nail, so he couldn't check his phone.
When Xu Nanheng arrived at the hospital, Fang Shiyou had just finished stitching up the patient. He came out of the debridement room, pulled off his latex gloves, and tossed them into the trash bin. He turned his head and saw Xu Nanheng walking over with a bag.
“Feeling unwell anywhere?” Fang Shiyou asked.
“My whole body feels off.” Xu Nanheng's voice was weak. Seeing the genuine concern in Fang Shiyou's eyes, he quickly added, “Oh, not that kind. I just want to take a shower. Is that okay?”
Fang Shiyou nodded. “Go ahead. The bathroom is around the corner in the lounge hallway.”
The patient still in stitches was pale from pain. Since he couldn't walk, he was pushed out while sitting on the bed. The middle-aged man asked with a grim expression, “Doctor, do I really need a tetanus shot? The nail was new, not rusty. Do I still need it? This shot costs several hundred.”
Fang Shiyou knew he was worried about the cost and said directly, “You can claim this as a work-related injury.”
“I know that,” the man replied with a slight Sichuan-Chongqing accent, forcing an embarrassed smile. “It's just that the reimbursement is done monthly. This month's work injury will only be reimbursed next month.”
Fang Shiyou had encountered this situation too many times in impoverished areas. He sighed and said, “We have it for less than a hundred. If conditions allow, it's better to take the shot.”
Tetanus vaccines were voluntary. If they refused it after the doctor's recommendation, they just needed to sign an acknowledgment form. Fang Shiyou understood their situation. Several hundred yuan might equal a single meal for some. Doctors were often advised to stay detached, not empathize too much, or they'd make themselves miserable.
But standing there, seeing so many people helpless over a small amount of money, how many could truly remain stone-hearted? The worker hesitated for a long while before finally nodding. Only then did Fang Shiyou feel some relief.
On the other side, Xu Nanheng stood under the hot shower. The long-missed showerhead and the steam-filled bathroom cubicle made him sigh. It was truly hard to adapt to a frugal life after having known luxury.
He stayed in the shower longer than usual. After all, he couldn't come here to borrow the bathroom every day. Plus, having worked all day, his body and hair were filthy, so he only came out after washing two or three times.
“I almost thought you'd passed out in there,” Fang Shiyou said while tidying up his desk in the consultation room. Then he looked up at Xu Nanheng.
Xu Nanheng was freshly showered, his hair blown dry and fluffy. He had changed into a clean light-blue hoodie and linen pants. He looked noticeably lighter and more energetic.
Fang Shiyou almost forgot what he had been about to say.
Xu Nanheng chuckled. “I washed a few extra times. I was really dirty.”
“Oh……” Fang Shiyou lowered his head again, unplugging his laptop. Then he remembered what he wanted to say. “Right…… the coffee machine you ordered has arrived. It's with the guard at the county hospital.”
“Great,” Xu Nanheng said. “I'll pick it up tomorrow. It works out perfectly since it's Sunday.”
“You probably won't be able to. The delivery's under my name, so the guard likely won't hand it over,” Fang Shiyou said, putting his laptop into his backpack. “I'll go back Monday for rounds with my mentor, discharge a patient, and then come Tuesday to bring it to you.”
Xu Nanheng: “That works too.”
Just as Xu Nanheng was about to say, ‘Sorry to trouble you,’ someone behind him wanted to come in and softly said, “Excuse me.” Xu Nanheng quickly stepped to the side and found himself eye-to-eye with Yang Gao.
They stared at each other for a moment. Teacher Xu frantically searched his mind for the right way to address him. “Dr. Yang! Hello!”
“Ah, hello,” Yang Gao nodded with a smile. “You came at the perfect time. Dr. Xu just came from the county and brought a big bag of longans. Take some with you.”
Xu Nanheng hurriedly waved his hand. “No need, no need. I still have plenty of fruits. Don't want them to go bad.”
Fang Shiyou had finished tidying up and placed the bag on the inner side of his desk. “Just eat a few here. You just showered, didn't you?”
Hearing that, Xu Nanheng felt tempted. He had showered for so long. A few chilled longans right now would be incredibly refreshing.
Yang Gao stepped in, set the bag on Fang Shiyou's desk, and looked at Xu Nanheng. “Teacher Xu, are you from Beijing too?”
“Mm.”
“You look quite a bit like a southerner,” Yang Gao said casually. “Is your family all from Beijing?”
Fang Shiyou grabbed a handful of longans and walked out.
Xu Nanheng thought for a moment. “Ah…… my maternal grandmother is from Jinan.”
“Ha!” Yang Gao sounded as if he had guessed it right. “A southerner!”
Xu Nanheng looked puzzled. “Huh? Jinan?”
Fang Shiyou walked over, placed some longans in Xu Nanheng's hand, and plucked one for himself. “For Dr. Yang, anything south of the Helan Mountains counts as the south.”
Xu Nanheng played along with a smile. “Oh, so Tianjin is a southern city now, too?”
“Hey, you,” Yang Gao laughed at their banter. “You're so good at geography, yet you said the patient from Qiqihar was from Hulunbuir.”
Fang Shiyou tossed the last longan in his hand and turned to Yang Gao. “Thanks. I'm going to take Teacher Xu back now.”
“All right,” Yang Gao said.
After saying that, he was confused. It was only a five-minute walk, so why did he need to take him back?
Xu Nanheng also wondered why he needed an escort from the hospital to the school. Once outside, Xu Nanheng said, “You really don't have to walk me. It's just a few steps.”
“Just grabbing a smoke on the way,” Fang Shiyou said naturally.
Xu Nanheng pocketed the longans. The night was overcast, obscuring any view of the stars.
Doctor Fang lowered his head, cupped his hand around the lighter, and lit a cigarette. Then he offered the lighter towards Xu Nanheng, silently asking if he wanted one.
Xu Nanheng paused, then took it. “I didn't bring any.”
“Do you smoke Liqun?” Fang Shiyou asked, holding out the pack.
“Sure.” Xu Nanheng pinched one out and used Fang Shiyou's lighter to light it.
“This morning was so embarrassing,” Xu Nanheng said, referring to shouting ‘Veterinarian Fang’ at the cowshed.
Fang Shiyou laughed. “It's fine. Even if Choedon's grandfather understood, he wouldn't mind. The old man is a devoted believer.”
Xu Nanheng paused, holding the cigarette between his fingers. “Tibetan Buddhism?”
“Yes.” Fang Shiyou nodded. “Many Tibetans are believers. Tibet is a place of faith.”
Xu Nanheng took a drag, watching him silently.
Fang Shiyou looked into his eyes. “Buddhism teaches that life is a cycle of reincarnation. Believers think that in this cycle, our meeting might be fleeting, but in other cycles, we may have already known each other. That's why Tibetans treat every stranger kindly.”
Fang Shiyou continued, “In past or future cycles, we might have been friends, or even family. Do you know who told me this?”
Xu Nanheng came back to his senses. The cigarette had burned down a bit on its own, and he pinched it between his fingers. “Who?”
“Your student, Tashi Dolkar,” Fang Shiyou answered, still looking at him. “She said she isn't afraid of death because she believes that in a future cycle, she'll see her mother again.”
“I really like it here, Teacher Xu,” Fang Shiyou added, his tone and eyes lighter now. He took another drag and said, “Tibet makes me feel like even life and death aren't such a big deal.”
Hearing that, Xu Nanheng relaxed a little. “That's good. You doctors really need to see life and death lightly, or it would be too hard to bear.”
“Mm.” Fang Shiyou nodded. “I'm also happy to have met you too.”
Xu Nanheng froze for a moment, the hand holding the cigarette hovering near his mouth. Sometimes he could keenly sense the emotions of others. Right now, he felt that Fang Shiyou…… was a little fragile. And Fang Shiyou probably didn't even realize he was exposing that fragility.
Dr. Fang had spoken so much about life, death, and reincarnation, and given that he was a surgeon, Xu Nanheng vaguely guessed that he might be recalling some trauma from today.
The night was overcast, obscuring any view of the stars.
Xu Nanheng licked his lips and managed to squeeze out a smile. “Want a hug?”