HSS Chapter 35
Translated by Novice Translations
Proofread by Yserieh
Chapter 35: Has Nothing to do with Virtue or Responsibility
Soon after the two returned to the villa, Uncle Li, who drove Mu Xiaoya to them, also returned. As soon as he entered the door, he hurried over to see Bai Chuan, only to find that Bai Chuan was sitting quietly in the dining room for dinner.
"Second Young Master, are you okay?" Uncle Li asked worriedly.
"He's okay." Mu Xiaoya nodded her head gently.
"How could it happen so suddenly?" After a sigh of relief, Uncle Li asked. Before, Bai Chuan had never had an issue before commuting to work or being in the car.
"I made an appointment with Bai Chuan at six o'clock in the evening. He was stuck in a traffic jam, and he was anxious, so... it’s all my fault." Mu Xiaoya blamed herself.
"How can I blame you?" Uncle Li didn't expect Bai Chuan to suddenly get upset because he failed to return home on time, but this matter shouldn’t be the Second Young Lady’s fault, the fault is... Where is the fault?
Was the fault because Second Young Master was being too persistent, didn’t know how to change, or cared too much about lao furen’s final request? If you have to place blame, the only fault can only be because of Second Young Master’s condition. Uncle Li looked at Mu Xiaoya, who blamed herself, and suddenly felt uncomfortably. Second Young Master and Second Young Master’s wife were both young and good, they were the perfect couple. But how could Second Young Master…
“Fortunately, there’s nothing wrong with Xiao Chuan, he was just anxious. Uncle Li can you call dad and mom and let them know so they won’t worry about it.” Mu Xiaoya asked Uncle Li with a smile. She knew that Uncle Li must have reported to others about Bai Chuan’s issue.
"Okay." When Uncle Li made a phone call, the master and madam were already on their way back. After listening to Eldest Young Master for a while, they no longer heard anything else he said and immediately had intentions to return.
After Bai Guoyu and Li Rong returned home, Bai Chuan had recovered as usual, with a calm mood and a rosy complexion. Their hearts relaxed and they comforted Mu Xiaoya again. They weren’t reproachful, but instead told her a few words. They reminded her that Bai Chaun’s autism causes him to be stubborn and inflexible. He strongly focuses on the time, so Mu Xiaoya should try to not be specific on the time when she wants to meet with Bai Chuan. Because in the event of an accident that makes it impossible to meet at the appointed time, Bai Chuan will become irritable.
"Xiaoya, mom and dad say this to you to remind you in good faith, we aren’t trying to say you were at fault. Xiao Chuan is just like this, so you must be shocked. It’s not your fault. You must not take it to heart." Li Rong was worried that Mu Xiaoya would think too much about it.
"I know. I haven’t been with Xiao Chuan for long and didn’t know many of his habits. It’s good for you to mention it to me. I’ll pay attention to it from now on." Mu Xiaoya understood Li Rong's meaning in her heart. She didn't think much about it, but Bai Chuan suffered today, so she couldn’t help but blame herself.
"It's fine if you understand."
"Dad, Mom, I’ll go upstairs to check on Xiao Chuan." Mu Xiaoya was worried about Bai Chuan and went back to the bedroom.
After Mu Xiaoya left, Li Rong was still worried. She looked at her husband and anxiously said: “You say, does Xiaoya feel that Xiao Chuan is too troublesome?”
Bai Guoyu pondered for a moment and replied, “Xiaoya didn’t say anything, so I can’t make a wild guess.”
"Aren't you worried? If Xiaoya feels that Xiao Chuan is troublesome and wants to leave..."
"We promised Xiaoya's parents, if Xiaoya wants to leave, we won’t stop her." Bai Guoyu reminded Li Rong, although he didn’t want Mu Xiaoya to leave.
"I'm... afraid of Xiao Chuan's sorrow." If Mu Xiaoya really wanted to leave, Li Rong wouldn't stop or stand in the way, but as long as she thought of Bai Chuan, she couldn't bear it.
"Don't think about it, and..." Bai Guoyu said, "Let’s talk as little as possible about Xiao Chuan and Xiaoya."
"You also think that I just reminded Xiaoya deliberately, do you think Xiaoya will think too much about it?" Li Rong was worried.
"No. I just think that when Xiaoya married into our family, our family care too much about Xiao Chuan*. After a long time, there will be misunderstandings. I think it’s also time for them to move out. This way, some misunderstandings can be avoided in advance." Bai Guoyu suggested.
(TN: Basically, they treat them too differently, like they don’t treat Xiaoya as well as BC and it can lead to an misunderstanding which can harm their interpersonal relationships)
"What if Xiao Chuan has another fit?" Li Rong was upset.
"Can you make Xiao Chuan calm down in the car with a phone call?" Bai Guoyu asked his wife.
No, Li Rong knew that all they could do before was prevent Bai Chuan from harming himself until he calmed down.
When Mu Xiaoya returned to the bedroom, Bai Chuan was sitting at his desk writing something.
"Xiao Chuan, it's almost time to take a bath and rest." Bai Chuan had just returned to his emotional baseline*, and Mu Xiaoya thought he should rest early.
(TN: Baseline means your typical ‘normal’/clear state of mind)
After Bai Chuan finished the last stroke, he left the desk obediently, took the pajamas Mu Xiaoya handed him, and went to the bathroom to take a shower.
When the sound of water came from the bathroom, Mu Xiaoya walked to the desk with curiosity to see what Bai Chuan was writing. It was a loose-leaf notebook. Bai Chuan didn’t close the notebook, so the notebook was spread out on the desk. On the white paper, Bai Chuan wrote densely with beautiful handwriting: it was six o'clock, and I wanted to go home.
(TN: I think he’s writing an apology or the reason why he had an onset….basically he grew as a person because before he never really explained himself but keeping in mind that Mu Xiaoya said they were now married and she wanted to help him, he decided to try to explain why this incident occur to her so they can understand and prevent this from happening in the future.)
With this one glance, the tears that Mu Xiaoya endured this entire time, instantly fell. Suddenly, she couldn’t even contain herself and cried.
"I've washed." Mu Xiaoya was stupefied for too long. She didn’t know when Bai Chuan had finished washing and had already stood beside Mu Xiaoya.
"Okay, then I'll wash too." Mu Xiaoya turned to leave but was suddenly pulled by Bai Chuan.
"You're crying." Bai Chuan frowned, and asked with some remorse, "Is it because I didn't come home on time today?"
"No." Mu Xiaoya wiped and dried her tears as if she could cover up the fact that she had cried for a long time.
"Why are you crying then?" Bai Chuan wondered.
"I really didn't cry."
"Crying." Bai Chuan's tone was firm, his eyes were bright and had an expression that he clearly saw.
"..." At this time, Mu Xiaoya eagerly wanted to be left alone for a while, to sort out the bad emotions in her heart, but Bai Chuan couldn't understand that or understand her words, instead he was persistent and asked why she was crying. Mu Xiaoya didn’t know how to answer because there were too many emotions that piled within her together and she couldn’t say why exactly she was crying. She just felt tired and sad.
"I don't want to say, okay?" Mu Xiaoya's voice pleaded with a hint.
Bai Chuan froze, struggling for a while, and suddenly leaned over and embraced Mu Xiaoya. He gently coaxed in her ear: "Don't cry, hug."
"Wuwu ..." Mu Xiaoya’s accumulated emotions burst from her heart. She wanted to sort it out by taking a bath but released it once Bai Chuan coaxed her like a child, it was as if a floodgate had opened.
"I just want to cry. Why do you keep asking, keep asking?"
"Don't ask, don't ask." Bai Chuan clumsily patted Mu Xiaoya's back.
After this venting session, Mu Xiaoya's mood was much better. After washing, she and Bai Chuan laid in bed early. Before they went to sleep, Bai Chuan looked at Mu Xiaoya and had an expression as if he wanted to say something and couldn’t sleep.
"What do you want to say?" Mu Xiaoya was helpless.
"I want to say." Bai Chuan immediately sat up from the quilt excitedly. "I won't ask you things that you don’t want me to ask, so in the future, can you stop crying?"
"...No!" Mu Xiaoya thought and wanted to cry again, “If I want to cry, I’ll cry. Why can’t I cry?”
"Then... then you can do whatever you like." Bai Chuan lay back down innocently. Grandma is right, women's thoughts are really complicated.
The next morning.
At the breakfast table, Mu Xiaoya's mental state was obviously not very good. The other members of the Bai family saw her and knew what was going on. They didn’t speak openly. For a while, the atmosphere at the table was somewhat depressing.
After breakfast, Mu Xiaoya sent Bai Chuan to the door. Today Bai Zheng was also going to the company, so Bai Chuan took the car with Bai Zheng to directly go to the company without having to wait for a driver to pick him up.
"I will be back at six o'clock today." Before entering the car, Bai Chuan assured Mu Xiaoya again very seriously.
When Mu Xiaoya heard this, the smile on her face froze. Again? Is it necessary to come back every day at that time in the future?
"I will arrange for the driver to bring Xiao Chuan back by six o'clock." Bai Zheng suddenly glanced at Mu Xiaoya, who had frozen, and said that.
Mu Xiaoya glanced at Bai Zheng, and understood the other party's meaning, smiled, and thanked him.
"...Let’s leave." Bai Zheng didn’t say anything anymore, and opened the door to leave.
Mu Xiaoya's expression was very familiar now. It can be said that every once in a while, his face and parents’ faces will look like that. That’s the feeling of responsibility, pressure, fatigue and heartache. That’s the feeling you get when you really realize that it’s not easy to take care of Bai Chuan and only those who really care about Bai Chuan, would carry this expression. He hoped that Mu Xiaoya could find a way to relieve that pressure and he also respected Mu Xiaoya, who was having a hard time making peace with herself.
"Wait a moment." At this moment, Mu Xiaoya suddenly called Bai Zheng.
Bai Zheng’s motion of getting in the car was paused, and he looked over again.
"That, the driver who sent Xiao Chuan back yesterday, Sir Ma. It seems that he was accidentally hurt by Xiao Chuan yesterday because he wanted to stop him from hitting the door." Mu Xiaoya found the injury on the driver's face, but she was only looking after Bai Chuan at the time, so she didn’t have time to ask.
"...I see." Bai Zheng paused for a moment, then nodded that he knows what to do. Yesterday, thanks to the driver’s cleverness, he locked the car. If he didn’t, Bai Chuan might have run out of the car and the consequences would have been unimaginable.
Haiyuan Road.
Fang Hui drove to work in a spirited manner. Before the car entered the parking lot, she saw Mu Xiaoya’s Audi from afar. She wondered why Mu Xiaoya arrived earlier than her this morning but found that Mu Xiaoya was sitting dazed in the driver's seat and the car was still running.
What’s this girl doing?
"What are you doing?" Fang Hui powered off her car and couldn't help but walk over to knock on the window.
"Fang Hui?" Mu Xiaoya returned to her senses and looked back.
"Dang, a big pair of panda eyes. Are you indulging too much through the night or are you worried about our sales volume for our shoes the entire night?" Fang Hui couldn't help but joke.
"Because of Xiao Chuan." Mu Xiaoya replied weakly.
"Because......" Fang Hui’s face changed abruptly. Looking at Mu Xiaoya’s eyes, she suddenly saw a “yellow*” light. “It’s overindulgence ah. You finally became a genuine married woman…”
(TN: the word yellow in Chinese is often associate with something dirty, like sexually)
"Fang Hui, I’m going out, I have something to do and will be back in the afternoon." Mu Xiaoya ignored Fang Hui, as if she suddenly made a decision. She reversed her car and left.
"..." Fang Hui, who was left behind and was bathed in a large amount of exhaust, said, "What's the matter ah?"
After leaving the studio, Mu Xiaoya went directly to Yuncheng University. She decided to talk to Professor Feng.
Since it was sudden, Mu Xiaoya could only try her luck and go to Professor Feng's office. She was then told that Professor Feng had class in the morning, so she went to the large classroom where Professor Feng had the class and quietly listened in the large classroom. She didn’t get up from her seat until all the students who went to the podium to ask Professor Feng some questions left. She left her seat and smiled at Professor Feng.
"Is something wrong with Xiao Chuan?" On the tree-lined avenue of Yuncheng University, the two were walking while talking about Bai Chuan.
"Did you see?"
"Even if you don't see, if you consider the time, it was almost time for you to come back and see me?" Professor Feng said.
"What do you mean?" Mu Xiaoya was puzzled.
“It's not easy to get along with people with autism. Although Xiao Chuan has adjusted very well, there are still many differences he has compared to ordinary people. Normal couples will have problems with each other over time, let alone you and Xiao Chuan.” Professor Feng said, "You came later than I expected."
Mu Xiaoya smiled bitterly.
"But you still came to me, I’m very happy." Facing Mu Xiaoya's surprised eyes, Professor Feng smiled, "This proves that you don’t intend to give up on Xiao Chuan. You came to me, you want Xiao Chuan to change for the better, right? "
"En." This is what Mu Xiaoya thought.
"Let’s go to my office for a cup of tea and see what I can do for you." Professor Feng smiled comfortably and led Mu Xiaoya to his office.
In the office, Mu Xiaoya told Professor Feng about the situation in detail of Bai Chuan before and after his personal crisis. Professor Feng listened carefully before he said.
"Usually, people with autism have a self-established trajectory and once it's disrupted, they think they fail their task. Or if they can’t complete it in their time frame, it will be difficult for them to calm down in a short amount of time."
"I know that’s why Xiao Chuan was upset yesterday." Mu Xiaoya pointed out.
"No, you misunderstood what I meant." Professor Feng smiled. "Yesterday, Xiao Chuan didn’t return home, but you calmed him down."
"Is there anything wrong with that?" Mu Xiaoya asked.
"No, it's very good, very good." Professor Feng said it twice in a row, and his voice was a little excited, "I didn’t know that versatility was a universal feature of autistic patients, but you let Xiao Chuan learn to adapt yesterday."
"Adapt?" Mu Xiaoya froze.
"Yes." Professor Feng said, "We always think that autism is like a glass cover, which separates autistic patients from normal people, but once we break through this glass cover and they can communicate smoothly, there’s not much difference between autistic patients and ordinary people. In theory, what normal people can do, they can do as well."
"The way you handled the situation was a very successful situation. When Xiao Chuan couldn’t come home in time, you offered to take the initiative to find him, he understood and accepted, then he calmed down. Although, this is due to your good communication skills and Xiao Chuan’s high acceptance of what you communicated. At that moment, you let Xiao Chuan realize that there was another possibility to solve his one issue. This is almost the same as common sense for ordinary people, and it’s particularly difficult for autistic patients, especially those with emotional processing issues. If you can make Xiao Chuan realize this independently, he will slowly learn how to adapt."
“Self-awareness? How can I do that?" Mu Xiaoya frowned.
"Don't worry. Don't be too stressed. Didn't I just say this requires good communication?" Professor Feng comforted with a smile, "So, you have done a good job now, as long as you stay with him like this, he will naturally develop it slowly. "
"I see. I will." Mu Xiaoya promised.
"After talking about Xiao Chuan, let's talk about you." Professor Feng suddenly said.
"Me?" Mu Xiaoya froze.
"Actually, family members of autistic people need psychological counseling more than autistic people in these situations." Professor Feng said in a meaningful way, "In fact, autistic people can live in their own world; they may not feel pressured. But the pressure is still with their family members. In a skilled home*, more than half of the parents give up on rehabilitation treatment for their children every year. And occasionally, some parents leave their children with autism at the door of a skilled facility."
(TN: think group home for those in the US)
"I didn't want to give up." Mu Xiaoya hurriedly explained.
"Don’t get excited. I just want to tell you, if you feel tired, feel sad, even if you ever want to give up, that’s normal. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, don’t give yourself too much pressure. When you want to talk, you can come to my place anytime." Professor Feng said.
Mu Xiaoya understood the meaning behind Professor Feng's words. Professor Feng was afraid that she would be trapped in a huge circle that she can’t give up on Bai Chuan and was responsible for him. She was taken away by this kind of self-virtue and finally crushed by this kind of pressure. He could see that she wasn’t in a good state of mind today and was counseling her in order to relieve that pressure.
However, where would she be kidnapped by virtue? She never even thought that she had any noble sentiment. If so, she would have accepted Bai Chuan's proposal in her last life.
What she was doing now, was because she wanted to do it.
It has nothing to do with virtue or responsibility.
She had experienced a world without Bai Chuan and doesn’t yearn for it. In contrast, she cherishes the present more.
"Thank you, Professor Feng. I understand what you mean. I won’t be trapped inside." Mu Xiaoya replied.
Whether there was joy or sadness, it was the future where she was willing to transverse with Bai Chuan. Her life was too short, how could she easily let go?