My Childhood Friend Is An Archmage Chapter 40
Translated by d6y (ko-fi)
Chapter 40
"..."
I was speechless, I didn't know what to say.
My mind was in turmoil. Like scrambled eggs, thoughts were mixed around in my head.
Lancer was desperately pouring out his feelings. I couldn't understand how he could sacrifice his pride to reveal his heart in such a way.
I felt like I should give him a sincere answer in return, even though I can't give him a positive one. I had to be careful and be as kind as possible to keep my distance and not hurt him.
"Lancer, I..."
I was about to say sorry when my heart suddenly betrayed me.
"Do you like me?"
I remembered the first time I asked him that years ago.
On second thought, rather than a question it was more of a "received" confession.
What was the dialogue between us back then?
"Do you like me?"
"Yeah, I like you."
Lies.
Lancer, you didn't know what you were talking about back then.
At that time, I had been completely deceived, like a fool, without even realising it.
Lancer really likes me.
He likes me as much as I like him.
I thought he shared the same feelings as I did.
The fact that I had a crush on Landesheer is something I can't change, and I'm not ashamed of it.
It's just that our brief time together as 'lovers' still hurts me.
I am no longer a clueless fifteen-year-old.
As I grew older, I became more cautious and astute. I didn't invest myself in emotions I wasn't sure would have a good ending and I didn't create more relationships than I needed to.
Moreover, after gaining the strange ability to sometimes hear people's inner thoughts, I became more and more distant.
Everyone is a hypocrite. While pretending to care for and support others on the outside, they were laughing, mocking, and even cursing them on the inside.
The priest who said he was working for peace was only pursuing it for his profit, the apprentice knight who pledged loyalty to his captain was craving honour, and the lovers who whispered their love to each other were each thinking of someone else entirely.
What if Lancer turns out to be the same?
That eerie thought occurred to me one day. I didn't want to be hurt, and most of all, I wasn't confident I could give my whole being to someone other than me.
I became a terribly selfish human being, who puts myself above everything else.
I remembered what Phoebe told me,
If someone were to hurt me, I'm going to hurt them back.
The beauty of revenge would make me feel better, she said.
But I didn't want to hurt Lancer.
I didn't want to see him being abandoned by me, longing for me and begging for me to say what he did wrong.
I just wanted him to be happy. If he could be happy without me, I was willing to disappear from his side.
If Lancer fell in love with someone other than me and left, I was confident that I could move on and start anew without any lingering regrets.
I would accept the bouquet thrown by his bride and congratulate them on their marriage sincerely. I would sing and dance on their wedding day, just for him.
Even if it would hurt like an icicle shot in the centre of my heart, I was willing to let him go.
Just to make him happy.
I only hope for him to be able to smile without a care in the world.
So, ironically, I couldn't accept his feelings.
"Can a princess not love for love's sake?"
The question that was asked to me once came back to my mind. It was a question that came to mind every time I stumbled into a situation like this.
It told me,
Lancer is an archmage, he's no ordinary person like me, he's a "special being" whose life is bound by a strange fate that he lives with the influence of having powerful magic.
It was right. Lancer and I had been remarkably different since we were born.
We were never meant to share the same feelings.
If I were to fall in love with him, would I be able to handle what would happen after that?
I can't.
I don't think I ever can.
"Can a princess not love for love's sake?"
The question echoed hollowly in my head.
Could I destroy Lancer for the sake of loving him?
I can't.
I couldn't make that kind of resolve.
I don't want to have a love that could change my destiny. I'm an ordinary person with no magic power, and Lancer is an archmage, and that fact won't change until we die.
I only want Lancer to live a long, peaceful life.
So I…
"Skyla, answer me."
No matter how much you try to approach me.
"Lancer, I don't like you."
In my usual cold tone, I'm ready to tell the same lie.
I could see his face distorted for a moment upon hearing my answer. A part of me throbbed and ached.
But I did nothing. I didn't apologise, I didn't make excuses that it wasn't because I hate you.
I just stared at Lancer.
Because if I look away now, I'm afraid I'll get caught.
I don't want him to know that I'm still in love with him.
"..."
A cold silence flowed between us.
"...What should I do?" After a while, Lancer broke it.
"Huh?"
"What should I do to make you like me at least a little bit?"
I managed to speak out, "...Just don't like me."
I meant it. It was the only way we could have each other's company for a long time to come.
"Lancer, I think you forget who you are too often. I mean, you're an archmage-"
"No."
"What?"
"You told me not to like you. I don't want to do that."
One by one, his tears fell like pearls down his chin, he didn't even try to wipe them away.
"Skyla, it's my heart that likes you, and there's nothing you can do about it because my heart is mine."
"Lancer…"
"I don't like you because someone told me to, I like you because I want to, and I'll keep liking you even if you don't accept my feelings."
"..." I stared at him wordlessly.
"Since you told me you don't like me, I'm not going to confess anymore. I'm stopping at number 323."
"..."
"But that doesn't mean I'll stop liking you, so if you change your mind, whenever or wherever, ask me to confess for the 324th time."
As he stood before me, I could see my reflection in his eyes.
I could reach out and hold him at any moment, yet I didn't.
I couldn't embrace him, stroke his back to comfort him, much less give him a handkerchief.
Because I knew…
That Lancer liked me more than anyone else, but his feelings for me aren't rational, it's more of a childish obsession.
If I had been a twin instead of an only child, and my twin sister was also close to Lancer since childhood, he would've confessed to her, not me. That's what he meant when he said he liked me.
The only person he, the archmage everyone else was afraid of, could trust, was me.
Nothing more, nothing less.
"...I'll go home first."
Turning my back on him, I left him alone by the window.
The cat stared at me and Lancer for a moment, then chased after me in a hurry.
As I passed through the main hall of the crowded ballroom, people came to me as if they had been waiting.
"Princess Skyla, you were radiant when you danced with the Crown Prince tonight!"
"If you don't mind, may I know where you got that dress? All the commoners on the streets are wearing similar attire to mine these days, so I'd like to take this opportunity to change my style…"
Among those speaking to me was a major figure with five stars on the list my mother had prepared. She asked me to not forget to speak to them if I meet them at the ball.
But I wasn't in the mood to obey her right now, "I'm sorry." I didn't even have the energy to come up with lame excuses like I was sick, or there was a sudden family emergency.
Mumbling an insincere apology, I headed out of the ballroom, and just when the knights were about to open the doors for me,
"Princess Skyla!"
Someone called my name from behind.
Recognising the voice, I had no choice but to turn around. "...His Highness the Crown Prince."
I expected him to be discussing something important with the other nobles, but instead, he approached me the moment he spotted me.
"I told you to call me Ryan, you can call me that now."
"No, thank you."
"That wasn't an offer, it was an order."
He lightly teased me with a grin, but I didn't have a witty response to match him.
"The ball has just begun, yet you're already leaving?" When no answer came from me, he quickly changed the subject.
"...I'm not feeling well, so I'll be going first."
"I was about to say that the Princess's complexion doesn't look good."
The Crown Prince looked at me and sighed.
Is he worried about me?
"There's an imperial mage who's skilled in healing magic, I will send him to the duchy tomorrow."
"That is unnecessary. Why would you allocate such a precious talent that serves His Highness the Crown Prince to me?"
"Because you are worthy of it."
Oh, right, I'll have to play as his fake fiancée soon. It wouldn't be good if rumours spread that the Crown Princess is in bad health, or that she's too weak to live long.
I was about to think the Crown Prince was a meticulous man,
"The Princess has bad friends."
Until he spoke again.